what you can do to help someone who is in a domestic violence situation
Leaving is a process. A victim of domestic violence may leave her abuser a number of times before leaving him for good. It's important to also be aware of the possibility that she may never leave her abuser.
Many people ask, "Why won't she just leave him?" A more accurate question is, "Why do we, as a society, tolerate violence by men against women?" Batterers systematically work to isolate her from friends and family, lower her self-esteem and leave her economically dependent upon him. Batterers control their victim through fear, guilt and shame, denial and minimization, and promises to change. She may experience family, religious and cultural pressures to stay in the relationship; perhaps, she may be staying for her children. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for a woman; she may be staying because her instincts tell her that she is safer to stay with him at this time.
Not all incidents of domestic violence involve physical abuse; however, in all domestic violence cases, emotional abuse is present. It is common to hear a victim say, "The bruises and broken bones heal but the things he used to say to me won't go away." It's important not to minimize the emotional abuse because it often has more of an impact on the victim than the broken bones.
Take the time to really hear what she has to say. Make sure she feels important. Not only will this help her by increasing her self worth but will also open up the doors of communication between the two of you and she will be more likely to talk to you again.
She is a survivor. She has managed to keep herself and her children alive by using her instincts and knowledge of the batterer. It's important to support what she wants because she will know her abuser better than someone outside of the situation. Most importantly, domestic violence victims who feel supported are more likely to leave their violent situation permanently.
If and when she decides to separate from him, the abuse and control issues are most likely to continue through other forms, such as stalking, child custody and visitation, various court hearings, etc. As a friend or family member, it is important to expect this and to continue to support the victim.
Refer her to a domestic violence program in her area. Advocates are trained to provide a variety of options to victims, allowing them make the choice for their individual situation.
The victim's trust in you is critical. However, be aware that you may have to set your own limits as to how much you can help so that you don't burn out. Seek help in others (with the victim's permission) to help her broaden her support base. This is where domestic violence programs, like DOVES, can assist you in important ways. |