Domestic Violence

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used by an individual to establish and maintain power and control over his/her intimate partner. Domestic violence may consist of physical, sexual, emotional, and/or verbal abuse. It may also include repeated psychological abuse, progressive social isolation,
and/or economic coercion used to control your behavior and movement.

Warning signs:

• Quick involvement - Pressure to move in or marry early in relationship
• Verbal abuse - Put downs
• Doesn’t honor agreements
• Jealousy
• Unrealistic expectations
• Isolation - Separates you from friends and family
• Blames others - Problems and feelings are other people’s fault
• Sudden mood changes
• Coercive Sex - Gets angry when you maintain boundaries
• Weapons - Cleans or displays weapons inappropriately or in a threatening way
  

  Signs to Look for in a Battering Personality

  Many women are interested in ways that they can predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who will be physically abusive.  Usually battering occurs between a man and a woman in heterosexual relationship, however, battering can take place in homosexual relationships also.  Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who beat their partners; the last four signs listed are actually classified as battering, but many people don not realize this is the beginning of physical abuse.  If the person has several of the other behaviors (three or more) there is a strong potential for physical violence–the more signs a person has, the more likely the person is a batterer.  In some cases, a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors that the woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated e.g., will try to explain his behavior as signs of his love and concern, and a woman may be flattered at first; however, as time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate and control the other partner.

• Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love; jealousy has nothing to do with love, it’s a sign of possessiveness and a lack of trust.  He will question the woman about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of time she spends with family, friends, or children.  As the jealousy progresses, he may call her frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly.  He may refuse to let her work for fear she’ll meet someone else, or even do strange behaviors such as checking her mileage or asking friends to watch her.
• Controlling Behavior: At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because he’s concerned for the woman’s safety, her need to use her time well, or her need to make good decisions.  He will be angry if the woman is “late” coming back from the store or an appointment, he will question her closely about where she went, whom she talked to.  As the behavior gets worse, he may not let the woman make personal decisions about the house, her clothing, going to church; he may keep all the money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or room.
• Quick Involvement: Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were married, engaged or living together.  He comes on like a whirlwind, claiming, “You’re the only person I could ever talk to,” “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.”  He will pressure the woman to commit to the relationship in such a way that later a woman may feel very guilty or that she’s “letting them down” if she wants to slow down involvement or break-off.
• Unrealistic Expectations: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs; he expects the woman to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, friend.  He will say things like, “If you love me, I’m all you need–you’re all I need.”  She is supposed to take care of everything for him emotionally and in the home.
• Isolation: The abusive person tries to cut the person off from all resources.  If she has male friends, she’s a “whore,” if she has female friends, she’s a “lesbian,” if she’s close to family, she’s “tied to the apron strings.”  He accuses people who are the woman’s supports of “causing trouble,” he may want to live in the country without a phone, he may not let her use a car (or have one that is reliable), or he may try to keep the woman from working or going to school.
• Blames Others for Problems: If he is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing him wrong, out to get him.  He may make mistakes then blame the woman for upsetting him and keeping him from concentrating on the work.  He will tell the woman she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
• Blames Others for Feelings: He will tell the woman, “You make me mad,” “you’re hurting me by not doing what I want you to do,” “I can’t help being angry.”  He really makes the decision about what he thinks or feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the woman.  Harder to catch are claims that “you make me happy,” “you control how I feel.”
• Hypersensitivity: An abuser is easily insulted; he claims their feelings are “hurt” when really he’s very mad or he takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks.  He will “rant and rave” about the injustice of things that have happened–things that are really just part of living like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told some behavior is annoying, being asked to help with chores.
• Cruelty to Animals or Children: This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering, he may expect children to be capable of doing things beyond their ability (whips a two year old for wetting a diaper) or he may tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry (60% of men who beat the women they are with, also beat their children).  He may not want children to eat at the table or expect to keep them in their room all evening while he is home.
• “Playful” Use of Force in Sex: This kind of person may like to throw the woman down and hold her down during sex, he may want to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is helpless.  He’s letting her know the idea of rape is exciting.  He may show little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate her into compliance.  He may start having sex with the woman while she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill or tired.
• Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the woman, cursing her, running down any of her accomplishments.  The abuser will tell the woman that she’s stupid and unable to function without him.  This may involve waking the woman up to verbally abuse her or not letting her go to sleep.
• Rigid Sex Roles: The abuser expects a woman to serve them; he may say the woman should just stay at home, that she must obey in all things–even things that are criminal in nature.  The abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
• Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Many women are confused by their abuser’s “sudden” changes in mood–they may think the abuser has some special mental problem because one minute he’s nice and the next he’s exploding.  Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics, like hypersensitivity.
• ***Past Battering: This person may say he has hit women in the past, but they made him do it.  The woman may hear from relatives or ex-spouses/girlfriends that the person is abusive.  A batterer will beat any woman they’re with if the woman is with him long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.
• ***Threats of Violence: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control the woman:  “I’ll slap your mouth off, “  “I’ll kill you,”  “I’ll break your neck.”  Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will try to excuse threats by saying, “everybody talks like that.”
• ***Breaking or Striking Objects: This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the woman into submission.  The abuser may beat on the table with his fist, throw objects around or near the woman.  Again, this is very remarkable behavior–not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there’s great danger when someone thinks they have the “right” to punish or frighten their wife/girlfriend.
• ***Any Force During an Argument: This may involve a batterer holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, any pushing or shoving.  They may hold the woman against the wall and say, “you’re going to listen to me!”

Courtesy of “Project for Victims of Family Violence” Fayetteville, AR

Myths and Facts about Domestic Violence

Myth #1 Battering is rare.

Fact: Battering is extremely common. The FBI estimates that a woman is battered every fifteen seconds in the United States.

Myth #2 Domestic violence occurs only in impoverished, poorly educated, minority or “dysfunctional families.”  It could never happen to anyone I know.

Fact: There are doctors, ministers, psychologists, cops, attorneys, judges and other professionals who beat their wives. Battering happens in rich, white, educated and respectable families. About half of the couples in this country experience violence at some time in their relationship.

Myth #3 Battering is about couples getting into a brawl on Saturday night, beating each other up, and totally disrupting the neighborhood.

Fact: In domestic assaults, one partner is beating, intimidating, and terrorizing the other.  It’s not about “mutual combat” or two people in a fist fight.  It’s one person
dominating and controlling the other.

Myth #4 The problem is not really woman abuse.  It is spouse abuse.  Women are just as violent as men.
Fact: In approximately 90% of domestic assaults, the man is the perpetrator. This fact makes many of us uncomfortable, but it is no less true because of that discomfort. To end domestic violence, we must scrutinize why it is usually men who are violent in partnerships.  We must examine the historic and legal permission that men have been given to be violent in general, and to be violent towards their wives and children specifically.  There are rare cases where a woman batters a man.  Also, battering does occur in lesbian and gay male relationships.  Survivors of abuse in such relationships should hear that because their situation is rare, or because they are in a socially unacceptable relationship, that does not make it less valid or serious.  The National Domestic Violence Hotline believes that violence is unacceptable in intimate relationships and provides services to any person who has been victimized.

Myth #5 When there is violence in the family, all members of the family are participating in the dynamic, and therefore all must change for the violence to stop.
Fact: Only the perpetrator has the ability to stop the violence. Battering is a behavioral choice. Many women who are battered make numerous attempts to change their behavior in the hope that this will stop the abuse. This does not work. Changes in family members’ behavior will not cause or influence the batterer to be non-violent.

Myth #6 Domestic violence is usually a one-time event, an isolated incident.

Fact: Battering is a pattern, a reign of force and terror.  Once violence begins in a relationship, it escalates and gets worse and more frequent over a period of time.  Battering is not just one physical attacks, it is a number of tactics (intimidation, threats, economic deprivation, psychological and sexual abuse) used repeatedly.  Physical violence is one of those tactics.  Experts have compared methods used by batterers to those used by terrorists to brainwash hostages.  This is called the “Stockholm Syndrome.”

Myth #7 Battered women always stay in violent relationships.

Fact: Many battered women leave their abusers permanently, and despites many obstacles, succeed in building a life free of violence.  Almost all battered women leave at least once.  The perpetrator dramatically escalates his violence when a woman leaves (or tries to), because it is necessary for him to reassert control and ownership.  Battered women are often very active (and far from helpless) on their own behalf.  Their efforts often fail because the batterer continues to assault, and institutions refuse to offer protection.

Myth #8 The community places responsibility for violence where it belongs, on the criminal.

Fact: Most people blame the victim of battering for the crime, some without realizing it.  They expect the victim to stop the violence, and repeatedly analyze their motivations for not leaving, rather than scrutinizing why the batterer keeps beating them, and why the community allows it.

Myth #9 Drinking causes battering.

Fact: Assailants use drinking as one of many excuses for violence, and as a way of putting responsibility for their violence elsewhere. There is a 50%, or higher, correlation between substance abuse and domestic violence, but no causal relationship. Stopping the assailant’s drinking will not end the violence. Both problems must be addressed independently.

Myth #10 Stress causes domestic violence.

Fact: Many people who are under extreme stress and do not assault their partners. Assailants who are stressed at work do not attack their co-workers or bosses.

Myth #11 Men who batter do so because they cannot control themselves or because they have “poor impulse control.”

Fact: Men who batter are usually not violent toward anyone but their wives/partners or their children.  They can control themselves sufficiently enough to pick a safe target. Men often beat women in parts of their bodies where bruises will not show. 60% of battered women are beaten while they are pregnant, often in the stomach. Many assaults last for hours. Many are planned.

Myth #12 If a battered woman really wanted to leave, she could just call the police.

Fact: Police have “traditionally” been reluctant to respond to domestic assaults, or to intervene in what they think of as a private matter.  Police have usually temporarily separated the couple, leaving the woman vulnerable to further violence.  Laws have been improved; however, there is still considerable change needed in law enforcement agencies.

Myth #13 If a battered woman really wanted to leave, she could easily get help from her religious leader.

Fact: Some priests, clergy, and rabbis have been extremely supportive of battered women.  Others ignore the abuse, are unsupportive, or actively support the assailant’s control of his partner.

Myth #14 Men who batter are often good fathers, and should have joint custody of their children.

Fact: At least 70% of men who batter their wives, sexually or physically abuse their children. All children suffer from witnessing their father assault their mother.

Myth #15 If a battered woman really wanted to leave, she could just pack up and go somewhere else.

Fact: Battered women considering leaving their assailants are faced with the very real possibility of severe physical damage or even death.  Assailants deliberately isolate their partners and deprive them of jobs, of opportunities for acquiring education and job skills.  This combined with unequal opportunities for women in general and a lack of affordable childcare, make it excruciatingly difficult for a woman to leave.